EP - UK

Location: UK

My family disowned me years ago, have always been the black sheep of he family.

My elder sister favourite as 1st born, my brother cos he the only boy and I got blamed for my mum almost losing my younger sister cos at 4years of age I got on the tail gate of a delivery lorry and the bloke was driving up the road and my so called mother had to run up the road shouting for the driver to stop as being on FOUR YEARS OLD was on the back and so my mum haemorrhaged and nearly lost my little sister, but how is that the fault of a 4 years old?

My younger sister also blamed me for my step father starting to interfere with her because I ran away from home and she said if I'd of stayed he'd not of touched her.  I was a child myself when I ran away, so how is it my fault. My father left my mum and stayed in Kenya as we all emigrated out there when I was 7yrs old they split up, mum and my siblings and I returned to UK my sisters and brother always used to go out with my nan and grandad and I'd be left crying on the kerb not allowed to go with them my nan and Grandad never liked me and my nan would do things like push the serving hatch open on my head when she knew I was sat in the chair in the kitchen under it. 

My mother loved me that much (Not) that as a baby in a pram she put me in the shed in my pram one day at about 10 a.m. as the weather wasn't too nice and set about decorating the kitchen, she forgot about me and it wasnt until a neighbour herd me crying from the shed told my mum and it was a joke for my mum to tell many that I was up to my arm pits in piddle and not been fed all day and she brought me in from the shed about 10 p.m. at night. 

One time to get away from violent partner took my kids to see my dad in Kenya and got to hear my dads side of the story that my mum was always having affairs, then thinking back, Fred the milk man was always in our house having coffee, so was Harry the insurance man and John the green grocer I don't look like any of my family and it was always a joke that I was the milk mans, but as my kids say it looks more like my dads sister would be my mum than my real mum, so obviously I am like my dads side of the family and the others are short and fat like my mum I'm 5 feet 9" my dad was 6 ft 2". The kids didn't like it in Kenya so returned after just 2 weeks, my dad was not happy as he thought we'd all be there for good and his wife had some thing wrong with her so couldn't have kids but them 2 weeks I was there I had more love and attention off my step mum than I'd had off my real mum all my life. 

This was in about 1989 that took my kids to Kenya my mum stopped talking to me altogether saying I betrayed  her going to stay with my dad, yet my 2 sisters and brother had all been to my dad for holiday when my step dad used to abuse and beat me my mum done nothing now I'm scared of men but if anyone laid a finger on any of my kids I'd kill em, they are grown now daughter is 32yrs, son 30yrs today and youngest will be 28yrs in January, I also have 2 grand children 15yrs and 8 yrs but have not seen them in a year as my daughter disowned me a year ago as had a break down and had no job or my car, so she had no need for me any more as i used to spend loads of money on her and the kids, holidays clothes, bills etc etc

I started being abused sexually, mentally and physically at the age of 8 years and used to bath in boiling hot water and Detol an scrub myself until I bled, still bath in Detol now, but don't scrub myself and still have the water as hot as I can stand and I'm 52 years now. I started self harming when I was 11 years old. 

One time when had a break down phoned my mum and she said why you phoning me I got my 2 girls dont want you in my life ruining it that is the last time spoke to her that was about 4 years ago and can't remember before that short phone call when she hung up on me that I spoke with her before then. A year ago in August I took myself to hospital in Middlesbrough as couldn't take anymore and hit rock bottom and waned to end my life. I had only been in the hospital a couple of days and they were going to send me out, I begged them not too and begged them to help me, but i was being let out the next day, so one time having a ciggy I cut all my face on the sharp pillar in the smoking garden cos obviously they don't let you have razors or any thing, begged them again to help me so next day when were allowed to go and do arts and crafts I slipped off and got on the roof of the hospital to jump, but where I was gonna jump some patients were there talking and smoking so had to wait then some people come looking for me so was hiding in different areas from them on the roof. I didn't want to live any more I had no one and nothing, this is not the 1st attempt I've made on my life. any way next bit a blur then I was sat on the roof having a ciggy with a nice lady from the ward, next minute 3 big coppers had jumped me, pushing my face into the stones on the roof cutting it and the coppers knee in my head forcing it down, another had his knee into my back as they forced me on to my stomach and the 3rd was holding my legs down, they were real nasty and rough with me ripped my coat, cut my legs and hand cuffed me and dragged me down the stairs and treated me like a criminal and took me back to the building I was staying in and a shrink came to talk to me I was still released the next day even though suicidal.

I was diagnosed in about 2008 with Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder and now also have Monophobia. I have suffered depression, anxiety, panic attacks self harming since 1971, but had chest pains, from anxiety and depression and panic from about 1968. I was on 600mg a day of Trazadone, was on it 3years, also on the following tablets since 1999 clonazepam, amitriptyline (Low dose for nerve pain from head injury in car accident) Tramadol, Naproxen, Co codamol Capsules, Codeine Phosphate, and a couple of other pain killers too and when got out of the hospital in Middlesbrough (Rosenbury Park Hospital) Got taken to A and E at Hillingon Hospital in Middlesex and the shrink on duty there told me to stop ALL medication, I didn't have a G.P at the time as needed proof of address to register and doctor wouldn't see me even though they had known me for years so had to cope with withdrawal from ALL the meds  on my own with no medical supervision and had not had the dose reduced or cut down gradual, was just taken off everything just like that so went through real bad withdrawals, but even though suicidal the hospital in Middlesbrough knew i was homeless and suicidal and let me leave the hospital with a huge carrier bag of medication. So homeless and walking the street with all these meds and no one would help me and my so called family wouldn't even speak to me or give me a roof over my head and they would not keep me in hospital. 

I have overdosed before, I've cut my wrist threw myself in front of a speeding car. When my elder sister had a break down she had to have electric shock treatment and I cared for her every day yet not one of them were there for me and are not there for me now. Luckily my kids had made me swear on their lives that I wouldn't take an overdose again, but could not swear on their lives that I WONT self harm again as some times don't realise at first I'm doing it. 

A stranger from Facebook took me in but their place was dirty and disgusting I kid you not have seen cleaner and tidier skips, they sat in garden shooting the rats. I sunk lower and lower and her neighbour saw me , found out I was at this woman's house and knew how disgusting it was there and took me in and have been here almost 6 months now. I've been agoraphobic for about a year now. I've just been put on  MIRTAZAPINE at night and been on for about 2 months in the mornings CITALOPRAM. 

To be continued.